December 2008
“Do you realize that this is the last time we’re gonna be able to wear the...”
–
Someone on Gawker makes a good point. This is the last year we’ll be able to enjoy those asinine glasses.
I’m proud to say that for four years I’ve worked a block away from the shitty Times Square souvenir shops that sell these glasses, and I’ve never been tempted to...
Charles Barkley parties with Urkel, gets DUI →
Two Urkel-related posts in one hour? 2008 is ending on a weird note.
Also, how the hell did Jaleel White get himself into Charles Barkley’s posse?
Oh my god Obama is on TV wearing a white t-shirt...
I truly love the man… and he’s definitely the coolest president since Clinton.
But he’s also the nerdiest black guy since Urkel.
There's a reason our cable bill is $160 a month
theengineer: “…my boyfriend is watching dumbass HBO specials hosted by Katie “Really Terrible Boob-Job and Even Worse Voice” Morgan.”
If we can’t watch a squeaky-voiced porn star with lopsided titties answer viewer questions in the nude, then why the hell do we have premium channels in the first place?
New Year's Resolution #1 - Stop being such a slob...
Just because I work at a place where I can shave once a week and wear faded jeans, boat shoes and a polo doesn’t mean that I should.
Just because nobody seems to mind when I clip my nails at my desk, doesn’t mean that I should.
Just because I have a lot of desk space and am able to scatter papers all over it doesn’t mean that I should.
So my first resolution is to make myself...
I'm in the middle of a bureaucratic hell right now
I bought a watch for myself from Amazon three weeks ago. Nothing fancy. Just stainless steel, under $100.
I decided to have it delivered to my office because we have a mailroom here and I didn’t want the watch just sitting around in the lobby of my apartment building.
One of Amazon’s vendors sent me the package via the US Postal Service. They emailed me a tracking number.
A week...
Dear girlfriend...
Please stop posting skinny pictures of yourself that show me 30 pounds heavier than I am now.
Study: Abstinence pledging teens just as likely to... →
Attention Christian teenage girls: yes, Jesus wants you to preserve your ladyflower until marriage…
…but remember: anal doesn’t count —unless you wear a condom.
Jesus is totally cool with butt sex, but if you wear a condom it’s a sin.
I'm trying to think of other things around the...
…but my poster montage that I put up in my room in high school has been taken down and repainted, and my cat went to “live on a farm” after my baby sister went to college, so I’m out of ideas.
“According to my AMPAS voter gurus who constantly talk to other Academy members,...”
– Nikki Finke (who’s very well informed about these things) handicaps the Oscars
Slumdog Millionaire is easily the best movie I’ve seen this year, narrowly edging out Forgetting Sarah Marshall and The Dark Knight.
(Deadline Hollywood Daily via Drudge)
Drunk
Making myself some frozen Skyline Chili, watching Mythbusters…
UPDATE, 5 MIN LATER: Boo. Mythbusters marathon is over. Now it’s an informercial for a children’s audio bible. They can listen to it in the car!
It’s never too early too indoctrinate your kids with the totally irrelevant to today’s world, self-contradictory, 5000 year old scrawlings of nomadic...
“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s...”
– Clark W. Griswold
My dad got us all Snuggies for Christmas
He just wanted to order one for my mother but when you buy one you get a second one for free and then they offer you another two for half price. So he got four.
I think it’s just a big scam to soak you for S&H, because they charge 8 bucks for each one you order, including the “free” one.
Oh, also they ran out of the damn thing so they just emailed him a picture to print...
“The Fox network is developing “Bitches,” a dramedy about a quartet...”
– (Via Hollywood Reporter)
“Hey, we’re looking for a new show to appeal to dumb preteens girls,” the studio executive said.
“Well,” the marketing director chimed in, “We know that they love vampire stories such as Twilight. And we know that they like Sex and the...
Pete Wentz: Ashlee's breast milk tastes "soury"... →
Hmm… and I was so hankering for a grande Ashlee-titty latte…
“As if the situation on the football field in Detroit wasn’t ugly enough, things...”
– A sportswriter hilariously questions the coach of the 0-15 Detroit Lions.
Everyone is acting like this guy is a major prick for asking the question, but it’s a fair point.
Also, it was funny, so he gets a pass from me.
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in...”
– Shirley Temple (via magoshasblog:bluechameleon) (via vruz)
robot-heart: I believed in Santa until I was 8. My parents had to break the truth to me. I cried. Hard.
I don’t remember what age exactly, but I was pretty young when I realized that Santa had the exact same handwriting as my...
theengineer: I had a dream last night that my boyfriend and I broke up and I was rebounding on Jim Gaffigan.
I don’t know where that came from.
Clearly you have a thing for him.
Does this mean I have a pass to get fat and bald as long as I remain funny?
Why does that kid in "Dazed and Confused" keep...
That’s always bothered me.
WatchNothing says Christmas like a dance party featuring me, my favorite jailbait actress and Jesus Christ himself, all busting some dope moves to disco music.
Oh, and we’re dressed as elves.
Because if you can’t do the hustle with a hot underage girl and the savior of mankind on Christmas, then when can you do it?
“About 40 of us played on Election Day in Chicago, and there was an unspoken...”
– “B-Ball with Barack” by Obama’s brother-in-law, Craig Robinson, the head coach for the Oregon State basketball team
We all knew Obama was a cool customer, but this is jaw-dropping. I was frantically hitting refresh on FiveThirtyEight.com all day election day, and was a nervous...
POLL: Lieberman has worst approval ratings of any... →
Reaping and sowing and whatnot:
Forty-two percent of those surveyed said Lieberman’s support for Sen. John McCain during the presidential election made them think less favorably of him
Good. Screw him.
The most depressing sentence ever written
lindsayneedscoffee:
alexbalk:
miltnr:
“A Texas man has been arrested after a 9-year-old girl wrote to Santa Claus asking that a relative stop touching her and her sister.”
(via Yahoo)
Yeah, okay, that wins.
And people want to know why I hate Christmas. Pedophiles come out of whatever rock they are living under and take advantage of this season like you would not BELIEVE.
Actually, I...
For the record
The 5 blade Gillette Fusion is a fraud. The Mach 3 actually gives a much better shave.
WatchFor Kat, who has been obsessed with this clip from last week’s Law & Order: SVU — the hot lady assistant DA zings a perv by pointing out his boner in court.
Best “Oh snap” moment in any legal drama ever.
“Blagojevich rarely turns up for work at his official state office in Chicago,...”
– This article entertainingly lists Rod’s numerous foibles.
Governor Crazypants really is the gift that keeps on giving.
More proof that God favors me
Girlfriend: So hungover that she can only get up off the couch to barf and is wearing sunglasses indoors because her eyes hurt.
Me: Went to same party, drank more than she did — and I’m perfectly fine.
Currently headed out the door to get a delicious Five Guys double bacon cheeseburger with jalapenos and grilled onion.
Ain’t I a stinker?